Sunday, October 19, 2014

Food Addiction: No Cold Turkey



Earlier this week, I decided to make my weekly post about food addiction. Little did I know, this would be a perfect topic for me to think about the topic. On Tuesday, I started having some foot trouble that caused me to have to take a little break from running to rest and heal. As a runner, this is difficult because it means that I can't run. If I do choose to run, I can risk a more permanent injury. So I decided to take a couple days off. And running is one of my biggest defenses against my personal food addiction. I can eat more because I am a runner. I need additional nutrients to keep me going for my runs and because I work off the extra calories that I consume. So this week, I've been battling with the amount I should eat. Going from running 36 miles last week to 8 miles this week was physically and mentally difficult for me because running is my outlet to get rid of energy, work problems out, and relax.


So my title might be a little misleading. As a food addict, I will eat almost anything that looks good, cold turkey included and make it a double portion please! However, I have learned to manage my food addiction a little bit better over the past couple years. I'm still constantly aware and afraid that I will give in and go back to my old eating habits. I'm still learning to cope with eating healthy, especially when it comes to eating out with other people. Should I eat what I want and my body needs or should I listen to the person beside me telling me that I just HAVE to try the double breaded, deep-fried, cheesy, bacon wrapped treat and don't forget to make sure you get extra sauce.


Food addiction is the one addiction that you never truly kick. There is no "cold turkey" everyone has to eat. Well, at least until they make that futuristic form of nourishment where you stick yourself with to get all or your nutrients. KIDDING, but seriously... A drug, tobacco, or alcohol addict can completely quit and never pick up the substance again. I'm NOT saying that it is easy to quit drugs, tobacco, or alcohol. I'm simply saying that your body doesn't physically have to have these to survive daily. Yes, people can become physically dependent on these substances but they can be weaned off the substances. A person can not simply stop eating. For a food addict, it is a constant battle with food addiction for 3-5 meals per day, everyday for the rest for their life.

I found this the other day browsing the internet and it's SO true. Everyday you have to have motivation if you want to accomplish a long term goal. This relates in so many ways to my life with getting through school, losing weight, and running.


Food is comfort. We are conditioned from a young age to accept food as comfort. When you're a toddler and you fall down and scrap your knee, your mom gives you a popsicle to reduce the pain. You go to the doctor to get shots and the doctor gives you a lollipop for accepting the painful torture. You get good grades on your report card, your dad takes you out for ice cream (or now, I guess kids get Sweet Frogs, same difference). You answer a question correctly in class and you get a piece of candy from your teacher. Anytime your family gets together for a holiday you eat large amounts of food. You invite your friends over to watch the game and you serve large portions of nachos, pizza, and wings. I'm constantly trying to break this routine. However, before I even realize it, I'm taking my fiancee out to dinner to reward us both for getting through the first month of school.


One of the lessons that I have learned over the past year and 10 months is that you have to find ways to reward yourself that are not food based. If you get a promotion at work, take yourself out to see a movie or buy that book you've been eyeing in the store. If you make it through a particularly difficult event then go out and get a haircut. Find something that will make you happy that does not rely on food.


This is small part of my coffee and tea collection that has helped me to reward myself with lower calorie drinks instead of food. Someone suggested that I try tea to help me reduce my blood pressure back before the weight loss. I tried it and it does help! Sipping a nice warm drink helps me to unwind after a difficult day :)



Before I started to pay attention to what I ate, I never really stopped eating because I was "full." I would stop eating because either everyone else around me had stopped eating (and goodness knows when I was a larger person I didn't want other people to actually see me eat the large portions that I would eat on my own) or I would stop eating because was bored with eating. Simple as that, I didn't stop eating because I was not hungry anymore. For me, eating wasn't about satisfying my hunger it was about tasting everything that my palate and mind demanded.


Everyday and every meal is a struggle for a 'food addict'. You have to learn to eat what your body needs to survive and reward yourself with nonfood or lower calorie options. Your body does not need to go out to eat everything that your mind wants you to taste. You can eat the things you like, in moderation, and when you're actually hungry. And by the way, when you're actually hungry food tastes SO much better than when you're just bored. You don't need to eat unhealthy, every single day even if you really want to.


I guess, in a way, all people are food addicts. However, it only becomes a problem when you are physically sick or feel mentally sick about yourself because of your eating habits. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a food addict is different from daily eating needs of regular folks because it negatively impacts the person's health. Instead of eating to live, we begin to actually damage our health because we don't know when to stop eating or when to eat the right things.











Saturday, October 11, 2014

Why Run?: Procrastination, Me-Time, and Anxiety Relief




Since my last post, I've been thinking about what I should discuss next. I realized I didn't really talk much about my reasons for running and the personal benefits that I've received from running. I'll share a little bit of the positives and negatives of running, along with a couple horrible photos for your viewing pleasure!

Why run? That is a question that I ask myself constantly. Especially after 10 miles in stifling, sweltering 80 degree heat. Why do I run? The answer is simple, it's where I find my zen.

Me and my mom on September 20, 2014 holding the metal I won the first time I placed in a race. I placed 3rd in my age group in the Braswell 5K.

I decided to start training for my first full marathon in June 2014. Since then, it's been a ride. Actually, I wish it were a ride; it's more like a tedious trek. I mean 26.2 miles... really?! Running is definitely easier in the summer, when I'm not teaching and I have all day to get it done. Even though I still play a mind game with myself and tell myself, "O I'll run in 20 minutes" which turns into 3 hours later and I'm still sitting on my couch watching the Big Bang Theory. It's also a lot easier to run when you don't have piles of homework to do (grad student) and piles to grade (teacher).


Even though I love running, I still try to snake my way out of it. I'm constantly convincing myself that it's time to run and then talking myself into or out of runs. Just because I like to run doesn't mean that I always want to run. I get that feeling you get when you know you have to go to the DMV, you literally have to mentally prepare yourself for it.

Run procrastination at it's finest. I'm not even sure what I was doing... Beavis and Butthead impersonations anyone?

At times, running is agonizing from the time I put on my tennis shoes until the time that I stop. But then, I have a run where everything just feels amazing. The weather is beautiful, I see wildlife, and the sun warms me.


So I didn't choose to do another form of exercise for many reasons. I always felt silly doing fitness classes, not that you my dear readers should feel silly taking classes, it's just me. I like to arrive to appointments on time and I'm always the one in the back of the room quietly waiting for the class to begin looking all awkward. I'm also horrible at making a plans and keeping them, so doing classes with friends was always difficult. Plus, training for a run gives me the structure I need to keep running. You can't just go out and run a marathon, at least I can't. You have to run at least 3-4 times weekly for many weeks prior to a race.


Most importantly for me, running is what I do for myself. At times when life gets completely crazy, it's the only thing that I do to take care of me. It's self-indulgent.


Running is the perfect only child sport. I'm slightly introverted. After long periods of time working with other people and being with others, I have to have time alone to decompress. It's kind of taboo to like being alone. I'm not saying that I'm a total loner. It's just that I do enjoy being by myself; it gives me time to think, organize my thoughts, and do all the embarrassing things that go along with being alone such as sitting in your house in your old, ripped college tees while eating a bucket of ice cream straight out the container... oops I dripped some on shirt, o well I'm home alone. So running time gives me some of that only child isolation time. I don't feel any pressure to please anyone else. I'm simply able to run as fast or as slow as I want and sweat like a July-Floridian with no shame.


If you don't like being alone for a couple hours on end, like me, but you still want to try running, you can get a running or walking partner: human or four-legger.

My running buddy after about 1.5 miles. Needless to say, he's not an endurance runner more like a sprinter.

What I feel after running is nothing short of tremendous. There is no feeling of accomplishment (besides seeing your child do something truly amazing, I would assume) like crossing the finish line. After my first half-marathon, I cried like a baby. I literally went from having constant body aches and fatigue to running 13.1 miles in 11 months. It was one of those moment when I felt completely humbled.
It was a wet first half: snow, freezing rain, and tears. 


Running relieves some of my anxiety. I don't think I really understood how much anxiety and stress that I was holding in until I started running. It can take anywhere from 1 mile to 5 miles before I start to let go of my thoughts, unwind, and settle into a run. The only time that my mind has ever been anywhere near quiet is after miles of running. At that point, the pitter-patter of my sneakers on the pavement has relaxed my mind and thoughts to a whisper.


So I want to stress that just because running works for me doesn't mean that it's for you. I am not telling anyone else to go out and run unless you really want to do it. It's a personal choice and it's really not for everyone. Running takes a great deal of discipline, work, time, and insanity. My advice is that you find an activity that gives you a feeling of peace and serenity and then do that!



Find the activity (knitting, scrapbooking, Zumba, yoga, painting, kayaking, whatever) that does for you what running does for me. That is, make the world seem like a more beautiful place.


Now on to 18 miles tomorrow! Let's hope for a dry day.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

To Share Your Story, You First Have to Tell it



So many people have asked me about my motivation for running that I think it's about time that I start writing a blog! I actually started this blog nearly a year ago when I was training for my first half marathon but I never got around to actually writing. Now, a year later, I think I'm ready to write a little more regularly. Currently, I'm laboriously training for my first full marathon and there's a lot that I've learned that I feel like I need to share.


This blog will not be one of those blogs where I tell everyone that running is the greatest thing ever and that everyone should do it every single day. Actually, at times, running sucks. Sometimes it's so cold, you think that your nose and finger tips are going to freeze off before you hit the finish line then it starts to snow, and just about that time you get the urge to go and you have no idea where to find a bathroom. That is not fun, it's not all sunshine, rainbows, and happiness. Runners are gross, as my lovely fiancee says, we spit, fart, snot, and slobber a bit. But in our defense, it's hard work being a runner!

Me, before my very first half marathon.

But, at other times, running is glorious. It's those runs that keep me going. The runs where the sun is kissing your cheeks, your full water bottles are ice cold, you have just enough sweat rolling that you feel accomplished, you're feeling like a million glistening bucks, and then your GPS beeps for the wrap up of the last mile.


I started running regularly in July 2013, I completed my first 5K and I was hooked.

 
Me and my marvelous best friend, Cortney, ran the Maymount Glow Run, July 2013 on what felt like the hottest day in history. It was amazing to have Cortney be part of this day, my very first race. Oftentimes, I don't know why she puts up with me, I'm constant busy and barely have time to hang out. But every single time I need her, she's there.

Before I started eating and running, January 2013, I was 192 pounds. Previously, I was having medical troubles and the doctors told me that if I didn't get my blood pressure down, I was going to go on medication. I was 22. I've always been a bit 'wew-wewy', as my mom says, which is just a way of saying that I'm a bit of a homeopathic believing, earth loving, alternative living, hippy chick who is repelled by doctors. So, needless to say, blood pressure medication was not in my plans. I spent a couple months in a food-induced, denial coma. I ate copious amounts of food and I felt horrible.


The transformation happened soon after I went on an amazing cruise with my then boyfriend, now fiancee, Thomas to Key West, Cayman Islands, and Jamaica. But do you know what I wanted to do the whole time? Sleep and eat. I didn't want anyone to see me in a bikini, afraid that I would burn their retinas. Who knew that cruises had unlimited food all day and night? Perfect entertainment for a vacationer that is trying to avoid the shame of their well-cushioned body. So I dove into the endless buffets.


We had a good time but I had held back. I didn't try the boat's water slide because what if someone saw me!? I was embarrassed by my weight but I was even more ashamed that I hadn't enjoyed my vacation to the fullest because I felt so down on myself. And then I saw the pictures....

Cruising on the open seas!


This is not to say that everyone should do what I did or feel how I felt. It's simply how I felt. If you don't feel good about yourself then it's really hard to live life to the fullest. I'm not saying that everyone should be a runner, weigh what I weigh, run like I run. Goodness no, the world would be so dull if everyone were the same. Be yourself, find your own way. But if I can inspire another person to be happy with themselves then all of my writing will be completely worth it.


I tried to go to Weight Watchers at least three times before I actually walked into the store. I couldn't bring myself into the Weight Watchers. I guess I thought that if I went in there that I would never be able to eat anything I liked ever again. I would diet for the rest of my life and chocolate would be a thing of my past. For anyone that has ever tried or wants to try WW, it's not like that at all but that's for another post.


Before WW, I thought that I could find a miracle that would help me lose a bunch of weight without doing anything. What a load of shit! I'm still mad that there's no way to sit on my my couch, read books all day, have food delivered to my door daily, eat everything that I want to eat, when I want to eat it, and never, ever exercise.. like ever.


Even after starting WW, I thought I could just eat my daily points and never exercise. I had lost about 30 pounds on WW when I started to hit a plateau. FINALLY, I realized that I'd have to take my butt outside and get moving. At first, I started by walking with my dog. Then, in a WW meeting, someone mentioned that each day they just walked to the next mailbox. So off I went with my new mantra: Just one more mailbox.


Honestly, I still live try to live and run that way.. Just one mailbox at a time. I'm not very patient. The biggest thing that running has taught me is patience. You don't start out running marathons. You start out by walking to the mailbox then maybe, just maybe, if you're ready and if you have a little bit of grace from the heavens then you'll be able to do what you want to do, what you need to do.




Now, one year and nearly 9 months since I started WW, I have lost 68 pounds and I'm truly happy with myself. There are days when I feel bloated, unhappy, and overwhelmed but overall I'm happy with who I am and who I've become.


I'm hoping my blog will show readers what I've learned from running and explain my journey from, what I can only describe now as, self-hatred to a little more whole, open, understanding, fulfilled person.